I'm really back

Dear bloggers,
I know I've told that Im back before but after that I dissappeared for more than a year.. I hope that it wont happen again and I'm really back this time.. So many things had happened for the past one year that I actually don't know where I should start..
Let's see.. my husband no longer works in Vietnam, he came back early this year. At that time I'm already a few months pregnant, I conceived just after Raya last year (Sept - Oct 2010) while I was in Vietnam (for a short assignment).. we even spent our Raya there.. my boss was joking (after he found out that I was pregnant) that it is not the kind of work he was hoping I would do when he sent me there. ;P
Anyway, coming back to early this year, my husband came back, Im in my Mid-Trimester and we were working on buying a new house. We moved out of my in-law's bungalow (my friend cynically used to call it "pondok mertua indah") into our home sweet home by Chinese New Year.. All is well for the time being, we were all very happy to be in our new home.. even our Pet Hamsters (buih & popcorn) who seems to be gravely ill and almost dying fluorished in this new home..
Meanwhile, My pregnancy wasn't so good, the doctor was very worried, my BP keep on skyrocketting.. on top of that there were also some risk of breaching with my very thin uterus due to 2 previous C-Section. Finally the doctor manage to persuade me to take a couple of weeks earlier sick leave cum maternity leave. However, on the first day of my leave I started to show some contractions. At that moment Im at 35 weeks into my pregnancy.. With my BP reading higher than usual the doctor decided to perform a C-Section immediately.. that afternoon at 4.00 pm in the middle of a very heavy thunderstorm a beatiful baby boy was born. He got melati's fair skin, nilam's beautiful eyes, my husband long face, very sweet lips and my prominent big nose.. The name that we gave to him was Eijaz Muzaffar, Eijaz for Miracle and Muzaffar for Victory. That night the nurse came and let me hold him for a few minutes, Im still too weak and in pain.. he was sleeping.. little that I know that is the only time I would be able to hold him. The next morning after my husband visited him, there was an alarm in the nursery for Eijaz is turning blue.. they quickly put him in the incubator.. starting from that moment his health deteriorates and he is getting weaker each day. His heart eventually stop pumping on the fifth day.. During that five days I only manage to visit him just a couple of time, for I myself was in pain.. the pain somehow is much greater than my previous two surgical delivery.. But even for a few short visit I manage to see him open his eyes once and had a chance to hear him cry.. I expressed my milk and the nurse had to give it to him using a cup because he's too weak to suck. The doctor diagnosed him to have a severe congenital heart disease and there was actually no hope for survival.. I will always remember the last night we were together, I came to the ICU at about 11 pm, the nurse told me that Eijaz had been crying for quite some time and nothing seems to work, he just wont stop crying. I couldn't hold him, his eyes was also covered because he had to be put under the UV light.. Yet the moment he sensed that I was standing next to his incubator, he immediately stopped crying.. he just need me.. and he was saying good bye in his own way..
Losing Eijaz was the most painful experience that I had to endure.. I pray that none of my family members and friends will have to go through the same ordeal.. I was so consumed with grief for a couple of weeks that I brush everybody away including my parents, my husband and my two daughters.. Im better now.. looking back, it seems that I have two life, I can call it before Eijaz and after Eijaz.. the one before Eijaz is a much happier person but the one after Eijaz is a much stronger person.. Time obviously is the best medicine, it wont be able to heal but it will at least lessen the pain.. losing a child is not something that you will recover from, it will stay with you until the day you die.. I pray that he's happy there and already wait for me in the afterlife.. insyaallah..

I'm back!!

salam dear bloggers..
sorry for neglecting this blog for so long.. been very very busy..

I've been so immersed with work.. now is a transition time for me,
I'm moving to another project soon.. (or to a new company.. who knows?)..
let's just say I'm enjoying the calm before the next storm..

so.. what's new.. nothing much..
few months ago I bought a mountain bike.. (it's not a big deal, I guess everybody in town had a mtb or road bike these days)..
I end up doing the same mistake as always (why oh why did I never learned)that is buying the only pink bike in the store.. Pink Cannondale F7.. mainly just because of the looks and colour..
After a few ride I realised that it's just not for me, it's not comfortable enough..
So I ask my husband to buy me another one, Kona 2010.. I manage to persuade him and my friend to buy themselves a new mtb too.. what to do.. I need my bodyguards.. hehe.. Anyway, I manage to enjoy a few rides, after that came this very nasty heatwave.. of all the things I really can't stand the heat.. I almost fainted one afternoon during a ride because of the heat.. So the cycling activity was put on hold until cooler weather comes..
This is me with my good friend who had to ride alone these days because I can't stand the heat.. sorry beb, next time we go k? hehe..

mmm what else.. I've been into gardening too.. I've transformed my in law's porch into a very relaxing place with many colourful and fragrant flowers.. fortunately my husband is not always around.. otherwise he'll make so much noise, apa ni? asik2 pergi Sg. Buloh.. takde kerja lain ke? hehe.. This is one of my favourite flowers.. melati jasmine.. the smell is so strong and so nice especially at night..

my latest craze is fish.. yup.. everyday after work I would stop by at the kedai ikan or pet shop.. I end up having three aquariums to maintain now, arowana & kelah which I put at the front porch, one with goldfish in the living room and one marine aquarium next to the dining table.

I initially bought the arowana for nilam, but it turns out that she didn't like the silver subspecies, she prefers the Red Tail Golden which is so expensive.. Kids these days.. I don't know how and when she became the arowana expert.. This is the silver arowana.. still small.. the only thing I don't like about it is that it really likes to jump, almost gave me a heart attack everytime I wanted to change the water..

Stress Kills

A friend mentioned to me once about this website.. www.drlam.com It's a site about natural medicine.. From many articles that they featured there one caught our attentions.. It is the one called adrenal fatigue.. they said that the technical term is hypoadrenia.. The scary thing is I got all of their symptoms spot on.. let me share some of the symptoms here..

- Tendency to gain weight and unable to loose it, especially around the waist.
- High frequency of getting the flu and other respiratory diseases and these symptoms tend to last longer than usual.
- Tendency to tremble when under pressure.
- Reduced sex drive.
- Lightheaded when rising from a laying down position.
- Unable to remember things.
- Lack of energy in the mornings and also in the afternoon between 3 to 5 pm.
- Feel better suddenly for a brief period after a meal.
- Often feel tired betweeen 9 - 10 pm, but resist going to bed.
- Need coffee or stimulants to get going in the morning.
- Crave for salty, fatty, and high protein food such as meat and cheese.
- Increase symptoms of PMS for women; period are heavy and then stop, or almost stopped on the 4th day, only to start flow again on the 5th or 6th day.
- Pain in the upper back or neck with no apparent reasons.
- Feels better when stress is relieved, such as on a vacation.
- Difficulties in getting up in the morning

- Lightheaded
- Mild depression
- Food and or inhalant allergies
- Lethargy and lack of energy
- Increased effort to perform daily tasks
- Decreased ability to handle stress
- Dry and thin skin
- Low Body Temperature
- Nervousness
- Palpitation
- Unexplained hair loss
- Alternating constipation and diarrhea

there.. I've been having all that for more than a year already.. everyday I would come to the office late.. somehow they still think of me as an asset and did not sack me just yet..

These signs and symptoms are often the end result of acute severe or chronic excessive stress and the inability of the body to reduce such stress. Stress, once a "basket" term used by physicians to explain non-specific symptoms undetectable by conventional blood test, is of no mystery to the body at all.

The ability to handle stress, physical or emotional, is a cornerstone to human survival. Our body has a complete set of stress modulation system in place, and the control center is the adrenal glands. When this gland becomes dysfunctional, our body's ability to handle stress reduces..

ok, doktor2 & doktor2 mude kat luar sana sila jawab.. betul tak ni? & kalau betul camana nak rawat ye? hehe..

For me, once I read this.. I've tried to recover.. I used to laugh when people mentioned stress kills.. but not anymore.. stress do kills, although a bit slow..
although there is no way that I can remove the stressors unless I tender my resignation but I try to get more rest daily and try to eat properly.. For the past few years I can make do with just 4-6 hours of sleep daily, and I always missed my meal.. The only time that I sleep properly was during a vacation and that happens maybe just a couple of times a year..

They even have this diet plan for adrenal fatigue recovery.. I'm trying to stick to it now.. hopefully I'll recover over time even not fully.. and no more anti-depressant from the doctors.. I've read it here that it will just worsens the condition..

Another quite interesting diet plan featured on Dr Lam's website is the one based on blood type, do check it out. My blood type is O and it does mentioned in the chart that I should avoid cabbage and cauliflower as it will trigger thyroid problems. I have half of my thyroid taken out a couple of years ago due to abnormal growth and since childhood these two veggies were my favourites..

I'd love to try this blood type diet one day, but I better get my adrenal glands recover first no matter how long will it take..

Cats in the Cradle

"Cats in the Cradle".. this song crosses my mind just a couple of minutes ago.. It was sang by a group called Ugly Kid Joe and I can't remember who before that... the "Generation X" like me might knew about this song but I doubt the "Generation Y" would know about it.. It is quite a sad song to me about a father and son relationship..

I've been too busy for the past couple of weeks.. I would reach home only after eight o'clock and I get to spent less than an hour with my girls before they went to bed at nine. Most of the time when I came back they would be waiting for me. I've been living with my in-laws since I came back to Malaysia.. However, my children's were not very close with their grandparents.. their grandparents also were always too occupied with their other two favourite grandkids.. so the girls used to play quietly by themselves while waiting for me to come home.. Sometimes when they got sick or hurt, they wouldn't even tell anybody, they would wait for me to come home to tell me about it.. So, by hook or by crook I have to get home before they went to bed. But sometimes I do missed them and I would see them only when they wake up the next morning..

My husband is currently in Vietnam, so I had to play the single mother role again.. It is the third time for me, the first time was when Nilam is just 6 months old.. it was hard everytime.. even harder when you were so busy all the time.. people do asks me how do I manage to juggle everything.. I told them that I don't have any choice.. Sometimes I was so afraid that I would end up just like the song.. That their only memory of me is just about me missing all their school functions and being so busy all the time..

Lately I keep on thinking to myself that whether the path that I choose is the right one for me or not.. whether I should continue with my career or just tender my resignation.. whether I should just quit my job for a few years to spent more time with them or just continue with it.. All this while my family were the reason for my preseverance, when things get tough at the office I would just think about meeting them at the end of the day and everything would be okay.. they are actually the source of my strength..

But lately.. the same thoughts kept coming.. I've been working to save enough money for their future yet at the same time I'm hurting them.. is it all even worth it.. When I talked about this with my friends they said that I was just being ungrateful, that I should be grateful to even have a job and I should stop complaining.. but they were not even half as busy as I am to start with.. they don't understand the situation..

But the truth is, this is not just about the girls.. For the past years I have been dreaming about this one night.. Yes, I wish that I can have just one night going to bed without even have to think about tomorrows meeting, datelines, reports, presentation etc.. etc.. I can't get this one night even during holidays because I know that work will be piling sky high after I came back.. If you ask me my top ten list of things to do before I die.. this would be on the number one spot.. just to have this one night of peaceful sleep...

I always thought that my knowledge and brains comes with responsibility.. responsibility to serve the people, the religion and the nation.. that's why I've been slaving and sacrificing myself for years.. until how long should I continue this? until how long should I let myself and the girls to sacrifice ourselves?? Sadly, this is the question that only me can answer.. and for the moment I really don't know what should be the answer.. I really don't know...

I can't resist taking this pic at the stationary shop on my way back home today.. Wish that I had one at home.. but I guess it would only last for a couple of weeks.. I don't know why but the girls keep losing their erasers at school.. sometimes almost every day.. when it is time to do their homework, the eraser was gone.. I used to buy Faber Castell and Stabilo before.. now I just buy the cheap Made in Malaysia one that was sold in bundles.. they would be gone in a day or two anyway.. of course as mother I would make so much noise.. little that they knew that their eraser problems are something that make my day that day.. after a hard day I was really looking forward to go home and face their eraser problems.. and grateful that I have that kind of problems to deal with.. it makes me feel rather normal..

This was taken on 2nd January this year while shopping for school supplies.. My dear Nilam & Melati, you have grown so fast.. I hope that you will have a good and loving memory of me and your father..

Second Class

Why should there be classes in life? Why should another human being treated differently? as if they were not matter at all.. as if they were not important.. but that is what happening in life.. it happens everywhere.. at school there might be some students that get more special attention from the teachers.. at work there might be some staff that get promoted faster even though everybody is working equally good.. I’m not saying to deny all these stuff.. but what happen if you see your children been treated differently.. what would you do??

My heart was crushed to pieces each time I saw this happen.. I don’t want people to treat my daughter’s extra special, I just want equal treatments.. But of course I could not control all this, even with family members.. I can’t do anything if they think my daughters are not as precious or even as cute as their cousins for example. There is nothing that I can do if they don’t really love or care for them. Nothing at all..

Of course they have enough attention from us as parents. We never abandoned them. Ever since they were born we were the only one who really knows them, who’d be there for them. We are the only one who spent countless night sleepless caring for them. We are the only ones that they come to for anything..

As a mother, whenever I see that my child been treated differently, my greatest fear would be the impact of it on their personality.. I don’t want them to feel inferior or insufficient.. I don’t want their confidence to deteriorate.. and worst of all I don’t want them to start accepting any bad treatments given to them simply because they think they deserve it.. childrens who get bullied at home tend to get bullied at school too (and at work later in life) because they have come into a stage of acceptance.. I don’t want that to happen to them..

But, as my husband always said, hopefully the love that we gave to them is enough to make them feel special, precious and worthy. And all these 2nd class thingy would mould them into a stronger, more compassionate, more matured, more thoughtful person. Insyaallah…

I Hate Brats!!!

Got this sms from my husband recently..
“saya proud ngan anak2 kita, boleh bawak diri, tak naughty sangat, cerdik, quite well behaved.. berbaloi kita keras ngan diorang dulu..”

Yes, we were really tough with them. Ever since we became parents we were determined not to raised any brats.. In case you were wondering who are considered as Brats you just have to look around you.. Brats are kids that even their own parents could not control.. you’ll see them in the mall yelling and screaming their heads off.. and you’ll see their parents always pleading and begging.. People would think that this brat trait would go away as they are getting older.. This is not true at all, once a brat always a brat, they are just getting smarter in hiding their brattiness.. They are going to have difficulties later in life since they can't really cope with rejections, frustrations and failure.

Some of you might think that I’m cruel but I started to train my child not to become brats as early as a few weeks old. I would usually let them cry first if they were hungry… I didn’t always shoved the milk to them without them having to ask for it first.. childrens who grew up getting everything without having to ask would just turned up to be one selfish individual expecting the world to cater for their only need and to be able to read their mind and know what they want. Serious psychological problems there.. By letting my babies to cry first, as early as two months old I was able to differentiate between the cry for hunger, the cry for wet nappies or just simply ngada2 wanted to be hold. I would pick them up for feeding and changing, but I won’t be picking them up for the third reason. It was really hard to do as a mother, especially with Melati whom to me is the most beautiful baby ever.. Gradually after a few days they learned that I’m not going to pick them up and start playing with themselves and enjoying their independence.. They hardly cries after that.. It is much easier to detect whenever they got sick too, compared to ngada2 crybabies who cries all the time. I never let them sleep with me, ever since day one they have to sleep on their cot, in their own room. I never wait for them to fall asleep, or tepuk2, sing them lullaby etc.. I just put them down nice and snug, switch off the lights and closed the door. Babies who were left to fall asleep on their own won’t cry if they suddenly wakes up in the middle of the night, if they were not hungry they would just go back to sleep or play by themselves.. and babies who used to play by themselves would develop faster..

Grandparents tend to be one of the factors that would spoil or turned childrens to brats.. But this is actually their role, they were meant to pamper and spoil their grandchildrens.. It is healthy if given for example on a weekly basis but not daily. It is the parents fault themselves. Sadly and sickening, most young parents simply shoved their babies/childrens to the grandparents to be taken care of. Just by taking pictures with your baby and post it all over facebook won’t make you a parent, you have to bath them, feed them, play with them etc.. It is your role to raise your child not their grandparents. No wonder your children won’t listen to you, who are you to them.. after all, they still have their grandparents to turned to.. and with them, they can get away with everything…

Speaking of getting away.. some parents just simply forgive their child whenever they did something wrong right after they made a not guilty face and said sorry. This is one big NO!NO!.. I know that you think your child is so cute with that sad puppy face but wrong is still considered wrong and they must be punished. One simple sorry simply won’t do. Discussed with your partner and rule out which are considered wrong and what type of punishment should be given. And stick to that, be consistent.. Don’t scold and punish them one day and let them go the other day for the same wrongdoings.

Whenever I, or the father were scolding any of our children, the other parent will not interfere. Often I see for example when one father was scolding his child, the mother would interfere to defend the child.. this is so unacceptable.. no matter how you detest it, voiced your concern behind closed doors afterwards and not in front of that child. Don’t give him/her any hope of people coming to their rescue each time they were in trouble. The other parent should not join in the scolding too; he/she should wait until the ordeal is over and help to console and knock some sense into the child later.

I always gawk in disbelief whenever I heard any parents bragging about their child mischievousness, and to make matters worse he/she did it in front of the child.. It might seem funny to them at the moment (although I found it not funny at all especially when it involves violence) but please avoid doing that.. you should have seen the expression of pride on your child face.. Hello!!! That is not something to be proud of.. and afterwards you’ll have a tough time correcting it, because you already instill it to the child that what he/she did was good/funny /cute or whatever you want to call it.. So, Lu Pikirlah Sendiri!!

Glad to share some of this Brat Buster Tips, hope that it would be beneficial to some. I’m not a child expert here, just a mother of two who simply refused to raise a brat. People around us were saying that we were lucky to have such a well behaved kids.. We were indeed truly grateful to have them but the truth is there is no luck involved at all, we just made a point to them that we, the parents are the one in charge since day one, not them.. and they understand the concept.. as simple as that..

Butter Prawn

12 ekor udang
3 biji telur merah
3 sudu makan butter
daun kari
cili padi
serbuk kunyit
garam & gula
Panaskan sedikit minyak di dalam kuali,
Gorengkan udang yang sudah digaul bersama serbuk kunyit dan garam,
Masukkan daun kari dan hirisan cili padi,
Goreng seketika, angkat dan ketepikan.
Cairkan butter/mentega dalam minyak lebihan menggoreng udang
Kiraikan telur merah menggunakan bekas roti jala,
Masak seketika dan masukkan udang yang diketepikan tadi.
Masukkan sedikit gula. Masak sehingga telur garing dan angkat.
Boleh toskan minyak berlebihan.

About Me

My photo
I'm a working mother of two beautiful daughters.. Constantly juggling between work and family.. When I'm at work I always felt guilty for leaving my kids.. When I'm at home I felt guilty too for not contributing or using the god given brain to me.. My interest includes cooking, reading and photography in which I try to squeeze in with whatever remaining time that I have..