I know I've told that Im back before but after that I dissappeared for more than a year.. I hope that it wont happen again and I'm really back this time.. So many things had happened for the past one year that I actually don't know where I should start..
Let's see.. my husband no longer works in Vietnam, he came back early this year. At that time I'm already a few months pregnant, I conceived just after Raya last year (Sept - Oct 2010) while I was in Vietnam (for a short assignment).. we even spent our Raya there.. my boss was joking (after he found out that I was pregnant) that it is not the kind of work he was hoping I would do when he sent me there. ;P
Anyway, coming back to early this year, my husband came back, Im in my Mid-Trimester and we were working on buying a new house. We moved out of my in-law's bungalow (my friend cynically used to call it "pondok mertua indah") into our home sweet home by Chinese New Year.. All is well for the time being, we were all very happy to be in our new home.. even our Pet Hamsters (buih & popcorn) who seems to be gravely ill and almost dying fluorished in this new home..
Meanwhile, My pregnancy wasn't so good, the doctor was very worried, my BP keep on skyrocketting.. on top of that there were also some risk of breaching with my very thin uterus due to 2 previous C-Section. Finally the doctor manage to persuade me to take a couple of weeks earlier sick leave cum maternity leave. However, on the first day of my leave I started to show some contractions. At that moment Im at 35 weeks into my pregnancy.. With my BP reading higher than usual the doctor decided to perform a C-Section immediately.. that afternoon at 4.00 pm in the middle of a very heavy thunderstorm a beatiful baby boy was born. He got melati's fair skin, nilam's beautiful eyes, my husband long face, very sweet lips and my prominent big nose.. The name that we gave to him was Eijaz Muzaffar, Eijaz for Miracle and Muzaffar for Victory. That night the nurse came and let me hold him for a few minutes, Im still too weak and in pain.. he was sleeping.. little that I know that is the only time I would be able to hold him. The next morning after my husband visited him, there was an alarm in the nursery for Eijaz is turning blue.. they quickly put him in the incubator.. starting from that moment his health deteriorates and he is getting weaker each day. His heart eventually stop pumping on the fifth day.. During that five days I only manage to visit him just a couple of time, for I myself was in pain.. the pain somehow is much greater than my previous two surgical delivery.. But even for a few short visit I manage to see him open his eyes once and had a chance to hear him cry.. I expressed my milk and the nurse had to give it to him using a cup because he's too weak to suck. The doctor diagnosed him to have a severe congenital heart disease and there was actually no hope for survival.. I will always remember the last night we were together, I came to the ICU at about 11 pm, the nurse told me that Eijaz had been crying for quite some time and nothing seems to work, he just wont stop crying. I couldn't hold him, his eyes was also covered because he had to be put under the UV light.. Yet the moment he sensed that I was standing next to his incubator, he immediately stopped crying.. he just need me.. and he was saying good bye in his own way..
Losing Eijaz was the most painful experience that I had to endure.. I pray that none of my family members and friends will have to go through the same ordeal.. I was so consumed with grief for a couple of weeks that I brush everybody away including my parents, my husband and my two daughters.. Im better now.. looking back, it seems that I have two life, I can call it before Eijaz and after Eijaz.. the one before Eijaz is a much happier person but the one after Eijaz is a much stronger person.. Time obviously is the best medicine, it wont be able to heal but it will at least lessen the pain.. losing a child is not something that you will recover from, it will stay with you until the day you die.. I pray that he's happy there and already wait for me in the afterlife.. insyaallah..
Why should there be classes in life? Why should another human being treated differently? as if they were not matter at all.. as if they were not important.. but that is what happening in life.. it happens everywhere.. at school there might be some students that get more special attention from the teachers.. at work there might be some staff that get promoted faster even though everybody is working equally good.. I’m not saying to deny all these stuff.. but what happen if you see your children been treated differently.. what would you do??
My heart was crushed to pieces each time I saw this happen.. I don’t want people to treat my daughter’s extra special, I just want equal treatments.. But of course I could not control all this, even with family members.. I can’t do anything if they think my daughters are not as precious or even as cute as their cousins for example. There is nothing that I can do if they don’t really love or care for them. Nothing at all..
Of course they have enough attention from us as parents. We never abandoned them. Ever since they were born we were the only one who really knows them, who’d be there for them. We are the only one who spent countless night sleepless caring for them. We are the only ones that they come to for anything..
As a mother, whenever I see that my child been treated differently, my greatest fear would be the impact of it on their personality.. I don’t want them to feel inferior or insufficient.. I don’t want their confidence to deteriorate.. and worst of all I don’t want them to start accepting any bad treatments given to them simply because they think they deserve it.. childrens who get bullied at home tend to get bullied at school too (and at work later in life) because they have come into a stage of acceptance.. I don’t want that to happen to them..
But, as my husband always said, hopefully the love that we gave to them is enough to make them feel special, precious and worthy. And all these 2nd class thingy would mould them into a stronger, more compassionate, more matured, more thoughtful person. Insyaallah…
Yes, we were really tough with them. Ever since we became parents we were determined not to raised any brats.. In case you were wondering who are considered as Brats you just have to look around you.. Brats are kids that even their own parents could not control.. you’ll see them in the mall yelling and screaming their heads off.. and you’ll see their parents always pleading and begging.. People would think that this brat trait would go away as they are getting older.. This is not true at all, once a brat always a brat, they are just getting smarter in hiding their brattiness.. They are going to have difficulties later in life since they can't really cope with rejections, frustrations and failure.
Some of you might think that I’m cruel but I started to train my child not to become brats as early as a few weeks old. I would usually let them cry first if they were hungry… I didn’t always shoved the milk to them without them having to ask for it first.. childrens who grew up getting everything without having to ask would just turned up to be one selfish individual expecting the world to cater for their only need and to be able to read their mind and know what they want. Serious psychological problems there.. By letting my babies to cry first, as early as two months old I was able to differentiate between the cry for hunger, the cry for wet nappies or just simply ngada2 wanted to be hold. I would pick them up for feeding and changing, but I won’t be picking them up for the third reason. It was really hard to do as a mother, especially with Melati whom to me is the most beautiful baby ever.. Gradually after a few days they learned that I’m not going to pick them up and start playing with themselves and enjoying their independence.. They hardly cries after that.. It is much easier to detect whenever they got sick too, compared to ngada2 crybabies who cries all the time. I never let them sleep with me, ever since day one they have to sleep on their cot, in their own room. I never wait for them to fall asleep, or tepuk2, sing them lullaby etc.. I just put them down nice and snug, switch off the lights and closed the door. Babies who were left to fall asleep on their own won’t cry if they suddenly wakes up in the middle of the night, if they were not hungry they would just go back to sleep or play by themselves.. and babies who used to play by themselves would develop faster..
Grandparents tend to be one of the factors that would spoil or turned childrens to brats.. But this is actually their role, they were meant to pamper and spoil their grandchildrens.. It is healthy if given for example on a weekly basis but not daily. It is the parents fault themselves. Sadly and sickening, most young parents simply shoved their babies/childrens to the grandparents to be taken care of. Just by taking pictures with your baby and post it all over facebook won’t make you a parent, you have to bath them, feed them, play with them etc.. It is your role to raise your child not their grandparents. No wonder your children won’t listen to you, who are you to them.. after all, they still have their grandparents to turned to.. and with them, they can get away with everything…
Speaking of getting away.. some parents just simply forgive their child whenever they did something wrong right after they made a not guilty face and said sorry. This is one big NO!NO!.. I know that you think your child is so cute with that sad puppy face but wrong is still considered wrong and they must be punished. One simple sorry simply won’t do. Discussed with your partner and rule out which are considered wrong and what type of punishment should be given. And stick to that, be consistent.. Don’t scold and punish them one day and let them go the other day for the same wrongdoings.
Whenever I, or the father were scolding any of our children, the other parent will not interfere. Often I see for example when one father was scolding his child, the mother would interfere to defend the child.. this is so unacceptable.. no matter how you detest it, voiced your concern behind closed doors afterwards and not in front of that child. Don’t give him/her any hope of people coming to their rescue each time they were in trouble. The other parent should not join in the scolding too; he/she should wait until the ordeal is over and help to console and knock some sense into the child later.
I always gawk in disbelief whenever I heard any parents bragging about their child mischievousness, and to make matters worse he/she did it in front of the child.. It might seem funny to them at the moment (although I found it not funny at all especially when it involves violence) but please avoid doing that.. you should have seen the expression of pride on your child face.. Hello!!! That is not something to be proud of.. and afterwards you’ll have a tough time correcting it, because you already instill it to the child that what he/she did was good/funny /cute or whatever you want to call it.. So, Lu Pikirlah Sendiri!!
Glad to share some of this Brat Buster Tips, hope that it would be beneficial to some. I’m not a child expert here, just a mother of two who simply refused to raise a brat. People around us were saying that we were lucky to have such a well behaved kids.. We were indeed truly grateful to have them but the truth is there is no luck involved at all, we just made a point to them that we, the parents are the one in charge since day one, not them.. and they understand the concept.. as simple as that..