I know I've told that Im back before but after that I dissappeared for more than a year.. I hope that it wont happen again and I'm really back this time.. So many things had happened for the past one year that I actually don't know where I should start..
Let's see.. my husband no longer works in Vietnam, he came back early this year. At that time I'm already a few months pregnant, I conceived just after Raya last year (Sept - Oct 2010) while I was in Vietnam (for a short assignment).. we even spent our Raya there.. my boss was joking (after he found out that I was pregnant) that it is not the kind of work he was hoping I would do when he sent me there. ;P
Anyway, coming back to early this year, my husband came back, Im in my Mid-Trimester and we were working on buying a new house. We moved out of my in-law's bungalow (my friend cynically used to call it "pondok mertua indah") into our home sweet home by Chinese New Year.. All is well for the time being, we were all very happy to be in our new home.. even our Pet Hamsters (buih & popcorn) who seems to be gravely ill and almost dying fluorished in this new home..
Meanwhile, My pregnancy wasn't so good, the doctor was very worried, my BP keep on skyrocketting.. on top of that there were also some risk of breaching with my very thin uterus due to 2 previous C-Section. Finally the doctor manage to persuade me to take a couple of weeks earlier sick leave cum maternity leave. However, on the first day of my leave I started to show some contractions. At that moment Im at 35 weeks into my pregnancy.. With my BP reading higher than usual the doctor decided to perform a C-Section immediately.. that afternoon at 4.00 pm in the middle of a very heavy thunderstorm a beatiful baby boy was born. He got melati's fair skin, nilam's beautiful eyes, my husband long face, very sweet lips and my prominent big nose.. The name that we gave to him was Eijaz Muzaffar, Eijaz for Miracle and Muzaffar for Victory. That night the nurse came and let me hold him for a few minutes, Im still too weak and in pain.. he was sleeping.. little that I know that is the only time I would be able to hold him. The next morning after my husband visited him, there was an alarm in the nursery for Eijaz is turning blue.. they quickly put him in the incubator.. starting from that moment his health deteriorates and he is getting weaker each day. His heart eventually stop pumping on the fifth day.. During that five days I only manage to visit him just a couple of time, for I myself was in pain.. the pain somehow is much greater than my previous two surgical delivery.. But even for a few short visit I manage to see him open his eyes once and had a chance to hear him cry.. I expressed my milk and the nurse had to give it to him using a cup because he's too weak to suck. The doctor diagnosed him to have a severe congenital heart disease and there was actually no hope for survival.. I will always remember the last night we were together, I came to the ICU at about 11 pm, the nurse told me that Eijaz had been crying for quite some time and nothing seems to work, he just wont stop crying. I couldn't hold him, his eyes was also covered because he had to be put under the UV light.. Yet the moment he sensed that I was standing next to his incubator, he immediately stopped crying.. he just need me.. and he was saying good bye in his own way..
Losing Eijaz was the most painful experience that I had to endure.. I pray that none of my family members and friends will have to go through the same ordeal.. I was so consumed with grief for a couple of weeks that I brush everybody away including my parents, my husband and my two daughters.. Im better now.. looking back, it seems that I have two life, I can call it before Eijaz and after Eijaz.. the one before Eijaz is a much happier person but the one after Eijaz is a much stronger person.. Time obviously is the best medicine, it wont be able to heal but it will at least lessen the pain.. losing a child is not something that you will recover from, it will stay with you until the day you die.. I pray that he's happy there and already wait for me in the afterlife.. insyaallah..