Cats in the Cradle

"Cats in the Cradle".. this song crosses my mind just a couple of minutes ago.. It was sang by a group called Ugly Kid Joe and I can't remember who before that... the "Generation X" like me might knew about this song but I doubt the "Generation Y" would know about it.. It is quite a sad song to me about a father and son relationship..

I've been too busy for the past couple of weeks.. I would reach home only after eight o'clock and I get to spent less than an hour with my girls before they went to bed at nine. Most of the time when I came back they would be waiting for me. I've been living with my in-laws since I came back to Malaysia.. However, my children's were not very close with their grandparents.. their grandparents also were always too occupied with their other two favourite grandkids.. so the girls used to play quietly by themselves while waiting for me to come home.. Sometimes when they got sick or hurt, they wouldn't even tell anybody, they would wait for me to come home to tell me about it.. So, by hook or by crook I have to get home before they went to bed. But sometimes I do missed them and I would see them only when they wake up the next morning..

My husband is currently in Vietnam, so I had to play the single mother role again.. It is the third time for me, the first time was when Nilam is just 6 months old.. it was hard everytime.. even harder when you were so busy all the time.. people do asks me how do I manage to juggle everything.. I told them that I don't have any choice.. Sometimes I was so afraid that I would end up just like the song.. That their only memory of me is just about me missing all their school functions and being so busy all the time..

Lately I keep on thinking to myself that whether the path that I choose is the right one for me or not.. whether I should continue with my career or just tender my resignation.. whether I should just quit my job for a few years to spent more time with them or just continue with it.. All this while my family were the reason for my preseverance, when things get tough at the office I would just think about meeting them at the end of the day and everything would be okay.. they are actually the source of my strength..

But lately.. the same thoughts kept coming.. I've been working to save enough money for their future yet at the same time I'm hurting them.. is it all even worth it.. When I talked about this with my friends they said that I was just being ungrateful, that I should be grateful to even have a job and I should stop complaining.. but they were not even half as busy as I am to start with.. they don't understand the situation..

But the truth is, this is not just about the girls.. For the past years I have been dreaming about this one night.. Yes, I wish that I can have just one night going to bed without even have to think about tomorrows meeting, datelines, reports, presentation etc.. etc.. I can't get this one night even during holidays because I know that work will be piling sky high after I came back.. If you ask me my top ten list of things to do before I die.. this would be on the number one spot.. just to have this one night of peaceful sleep...

I always thought that my knowledge and brains comes with responsibility.. responsibility to serve the people, the religion and the nation.. that's why I've been slaving and sacrificing myself for years.. until how long should I continue this? until how long should I let myself and the girls to sacrifice ourselves?? Sadly, this is the question that only me can answer.. and for the moment I really don't know what should be the answer.. I really don't know...