Diamonds are just coals that do well under pressures...: Personal

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Cats in the Cradle

Wednesday, January 13, 2010 comments (0)

"Cats in the Cradle".. this song crosses my mind just a couple of minutes ago.. It was sang by a group called Ugly Kid Joe and I can't remember who before that... the "Generation X" like me might knew about this song but I doubt the "Generation Y" would know about it.. It is quite a sad song to me about a father and son relationship..

I've been too busy for the past couple of weeks.. I would reach home only after eight o'clock and I get to spent less than an hour with my girls before they went to bed at nine. Most of the time when I came back they would be waiting for me. I've been living with my in-laws since I came back to Malaysia.. However, my children's were not very close with their grandparents.. their grandparents also were always too occupied with their other two favourite grandkids.. so the girls used to play quietly by themselves while waiting for me to come home.. Sometimes when they got sick or hurt, they wouldn't even tell anybody, they would wait for me to come home to tell me about it.. So, by hook or by crook I have to get home before they went to bed. But sometimes I do missed them and I would see them only when they wake up the next morning..

My husband is currently in Vietnam, so I had to play the single mother role again.. It is the third time for me, the first time was when Nilam is just 6 months old.. it was hard everytime.. even harder when you were so busy all the time.. people do asks me how do I manage to juggle everything.. I told them that I don't have any choice.. Sometimes I was so afraid that I would end up just like the song.. That their only memory of me is just about me missing all their school functions and being so busy all the time..

Lately I keep on thinking to myself that whether the path that I choose is the right one for me or not.. whether I should continue with my career or just tender my resignation.. whether I should just quit my job for a few years to spent more time with them or just continue with it.. All this while my family were the reason for my preseverance, when things get tough at the office I would just think about meeting them at the end of the day and everything would be okay.. they are actually the source of my strength..

But lately.. the same thoughts kept coming.. I've been working to save enough money for their future yet at the same time I'm hurting them.. is it all even worth it.. When I talked about this with my friends they said that I was just being ungrateful, that I should be grateful to even have a job and I should stop complaining.. but they were not even half as busy as I am to start with.. they don't understand the situation..

But the truth is, this is not just about the girls.. For the past years I have been dreaming about this one night.. Yes, I wish that I can have just one night going to bed without even have to think about tomorrows meeting, datelines, reports, presentation etc.. etc.. I can't get this one night even during holidays because I know that work will be piling sky high after I came back.. If you ask me my top ten list of things to do before I die.. this would be on the number one spot.. just to have this one night of peaceful sleep...

I always thought that my knowledge and brains comes with responsibility.. responsibility to serve the people, the religion and the nation.. that's why I've been slaving and sacrificing myself for years.. until how long should I continue this? until how long should I let myself and the girls to sacrifice ourselves?? Sadly, this is the question that only me can answer.. and for the moment I really don't know what should be the answer.. I really don't know...

I can't resist taking this pic at the stationary shop on my way back home today.. Wish that I had one at home.. but I guess it would only last for a couple of weeks.. I don't know why but the girls keep losing their erasers at school.. sometimes almost every day.. when it is time to do their homework, the eraser was gone.. I used to buy Faber Castell and Stabilo before.. now I just buy the cheap Made in Malaysia one that was sold in bundles.. they would be gone in a day or two anyway.. of course as mother I would make so much noise.. little that they knew that their eraser problems are something that make my day that day.. after a hard day I was really looking forward to go home and face their eraser problems.. and grateful that I have that kind of problems to deal with.. it makes me feel rather normal..

This was taken on 2nd January this year while shopping for school supplies.. My dear Nilam & Melati, you have grown so fast.. I hope that you will have a good and loving memory of me and your father..

Mother's Day

Sunday, May 10, 2009 comments (2)

I never knew what is the date for Mother's day or Father's day every year. I just don't care.. It doesn't mean that I didn't appreciate my parents but celebrating it seems too westernized (maklumlah.. aku orang kampung).. and not just mother's, father's day.. I never care about women's and children's day too.. and don't even mentioned valentine (I felt like vomitting thinking about all those people who celebrate valentine day).. and I kept thinking why do we need to celebrate our parents only once a year, we should cherished them and make them happy every day..

This year I was aware that today is a mother's day since nilam kept mentioning it a few times yesterday.. However, I never expect to received any special treatment or any gifts today.. Some mother's might feel sad if they didn't received anything from their family but not me.. It doesn't matter to me at all..

However, when I open my eyes this morning there stood nilam in her pyjamas grinning from ear to ear wishing me mother's day.. She hand me a drawing that she just finished as a gift.. she woke up early on Sunday morning to make sure she finished the drawing before I woke up.. I was speechless.. I was so moved by her small yet sweet gesture, I almost cried.. Deep down I felt really embarassed because in my 34 years as a daughter I never did anything like that for my mother..

My sister's used to sent my mother the mother's day card but not me.. perhaps that is how my mother must have felt when receiving those cards.. I'll make sure to send her one too next year.. insyaallah..

Who Am I

Friday, April 10, 2009 comments (1)

I lie in my hotel room in Vung Tau alone this afternoon, the meeting finished early and I end up with a few hours of free time until my husband and two daughters arrived from Ho Chi Minh City to join me tonight. Boredom creeps into me. Opportunities like this seldom came. Usually I would treasure it by dashing out to the street armed with my camera to get a few shots but I didn't bring my camera along this time.
As far as I can remember I've been busy all my life. I can't seem to find enough time for things and always on the run. However, when I got the luxury of time like right now I just feel so restless. I'm the eldest daughter of six siblings. Growing up I used to do a lot of housework around the house. I was so skinny back then, I guess it might be because I worked too hard and my growing body just could not cope with all of it. The last time I was ever being chubby is when I was five years old. I always offered to help around the house, sweeping, cleaning and taking care of my younger brothers and sisters. My studies were never affected though. I realised now that as early as eight years old I already learned on how to multitasking, on the value of time and how to manage it carefully. I remembered finishing my homework only at a time when my baby sister is sleeping, my left hand would be rocking the cradle and my right hand would write. When I got 5A for Penilaian Exam everybody was shocked because they never see me study for it.
I can't remember at what age when I started cooking though. I were always drawn into the kitchen everytime my mother starts cooking. Initially I just wanted to offer my help but my mother doesn't really like any children in the kitchen with her. She wanted to do all the action by herself and I was just like a pest to her. But no matter how much she would yell at me to get out of the kitchen, I would just sit there ignoring her voice and just watched her do the cooking. That was how my first lesson on cooking goes, just by watching. Eventually she would let me help her and later trust me to do the cooking. That is how I first learned how to cook. Later, cooking has become like a therapeutic thing for me. Whenever I feel stressed, I just cook something up and all the stress just melt away. During my University days, I end up getting better grades while staying at a rented apartment rather than while staying at a college hostel. Main reason I believe is due to the fact that I'm allowed to cook at the apartment.
Who am I? I'm just a normal, ordinary person. Whose life started as a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a sister, a student and later evolved to become a wife, a mother, a worker and a proud citizen. I have many interest in my life, other than serving to those around me, I love taking photographs, cooking, reading and doing the jigsaw puzzle. When people asked me to create my own blog I kept on wandering who would want to read about a normal ordinary person like me. Who would care to read about me or what I'm thinking. Then again, as I think about it, maybe this blog can portray a piece of me that not many people knew. A piece of me as a cook for example. I have a few recipes and tricks up my sleeve which I can share and would be beneficial to others.
With this I officially started my blog. Right now I just have to think of a way to find the time to upload more entry.

Diamonds are just coals that do well under pressures...

Cats in the Cradle

Mother's Day

Who Am I

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